Spaz Attack: 04/01/2005

Tyler is more on a schedule now and I can read what he wants by his cries. Yay! Motherhood is getting easier! The first few weeks, Jason and I were Dumb and Dumber trying to figure things out. You should have seen our first night at the hospital with Tyler. Our stupidity and lack of knowledge as far as how to take care of him is purely comical in hindsight.

I now understand why some people have babies and go back to work- It's much easier having someone else take care of the baby...Work is actually easier than taking care of a baby all day!

Count down begins to June 11th. Gosh, are we still in April?

I have to lose all this weight before I get back to LA. Before I see y'all. I still have a "pooch" that I find utterly disgusting! It's hard to lose weight when you have a husband who wants you to eat 24/7. I'm like, "Jason! Look at those fat ladies on Murry and Montel. Their husbands tease and hurt their woman for being fat and tell them to lose weight. You tell me to eat, eat, eat! Do you want a fat wife?! What is wrong with you! Tease me dammit so I will be motivated to lose my disgusting gut!" I mean, I'll try to eat something small and Jason will be like, "Eat! You have to eat more!" Anyways, I have a wedding to go to on June 18th so that is my motivation to lose weight. I don't want people to look at me and "understand" my weight gain because I've just had a baby. I just want my old body back! To think that I thought I was fat in high school, and then in college, and then after college. I would do anything to have any of my old bodies back... high school, college, or after college! Any body other than this "after baby" body! I foolishly thought I would just jump back to my old shape in no time. Seriously, I was very blind to all the things that happen/ could happen when you have a baby. SO SO blind.
Oh, and one more thing. I hate all those celebrities who look like they didn't have a baby like one week after giving birth. I hate them! Did they really have a child or did they use a surrogate? I see these pictures of them in US wearing bikinis and I want either barf or shoot them!

Well, I think I will go now and do some exercises. All this talk about weight is making me feel very unproductive!...How will I burn any calories sitting here!

Some pictures...

Rock and Roll, baby!

After a bath.

Having a good conversation with my daddy. Can you believe that I'm already talking?

Looking out the window.

Some of you might have already seen this picture. It is my mom's favorite. It was taken two days after I got back from the hospital.

What cha looking at?

I hate getting dressed. Look at my funny expression!

We just got back from a doctors appointment and it makes me proud to announce that my baby is in the 97% weight range for his age! That's my little fatty!

I'm counting down the days till I'm back in LA...June 11th to be exact. Tyler and I will be flying down so I'm dreading the flight. I hope he sleeps throughout the flight and isn't one of those babies that cries and cries and illicits nasty stares from other passengers. (Oh, please sleep Tyler!)

There has been a little bit of drama in the Kim household as Jason's father is very unhappy with our choice of middle name for Tyler, Jaden, since it isn't the Korean name that he carefully picked out for his precious grandson, Sae Hyun. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. Claudia, Rich and I all don't have Korean middle names, but that is still our Korean name! I'm willing to change it, but I don't want to keep hearing that "everyone does it like that." I don't care what other people do! I more willing to change it if he explains to me why it is important to him that his grandson (first son of a first son at that, which seems to be very important here even though Jason is a twin though he beat his brother down the canal) retains some of his Korean heritage, etc, etc. Don't tell me that everyone else does it like that like that should make me change my mind..it won't! Anyways, so a little bit of drama but hopefully it will blow over soon. The dramas of being part of a generation still stuck between two cultures. Yay..

I love the phrase pama drama trauma!! hahaha...got that one from Susan's site this morning. I can't wait to go to LA and get my hair done! I've been waiting for months to get my unpregnant ass to LA to do something with my hair. It seems like Jen wants to do something different. Susan...you too? I thought, for literally, a second to chop off my hair but I don't want to turn into an ajuma too soon. Please, my life has been taking leaps this past year and I have to show down the aging process...if only with my hair! I used to perm my hair every other year. It was quite the trend in my book. 7th grade. straight. 8th grade. spiral perm...more like ramen head. 9th grade. straight. 10th grade. another perm. 11th grade. straight. 12th grade. perm! What a crazy girl, ruining my hair like that. What the hell was I thinking? Anyways, I even got a perm after college. I just get this perming "itch" that I have to stratch once in a great while. I hope that itch doesn't come any time soon. Can you imagine me with child in tow with an ajuma perm? Damn, hopefully that won't come for decades.

LA...here I come. I've missed you tremendously and will never ever take you for granted again. I know you're not perfect (talk about smog and traffic) but I will love you till the day I die.

In and out....here I come! Get your chocolate shakeys ready for my fat ass!

It is hard being a mother. I now have a great appreciation for all mothers everywhere. I don't think you could comprehend it unless you become a mother yourself. I thought it would be a piece of cake, a walk in the park, excuse the cliches, but I was dead wrong. Tyler doesn't sleep well so I have to either watch him sleep (meaning I can't sleep while he sleeps) or have to hold him so he sleeps (also meaning I can't sleep while he sleeps). And of course, when he is awake, i can't sleep. So there you have it, if it weren't for my MIL, since we tag team our time with him, I would be pretty much dead. She is leaving us on the 24th and though I know we'll all survive, I can't say I'm not scared of a the picture of me, dead tired and trying to console a baby who is unconsolable.

Tyler laughed for the first time today! So exciting! He has some smiles up until now but today, he gave out a genuine audible laugh that actually brought tears to my eyes. Tears because I realized how exciting it will be to watch my peanut grow and also because Jason wasn't home to see it with me.

I find a man who is determinded to take care of his parents in their old age incredibly sexy.

Does anyone know if Ben & Jerry's changed their Cherry Garcia ice cream? I just ate some and it just didn't taste the same and the carton read, "with chocolate flakes." I thought it was suppose to have "chocolate chucks," not flakes. Anyways, I hate it when food is not consistent., like when you got a restaurant to order something you loved before and it doesn't taste the same. I hate that! Chefs have to recognize the importance of consistency, consistency, consistency!

Jason went to Chicago yesterday to take his boards. Since I have known him, he has had a major test every year....poor guy. When I graduated college, that was it. I told myself, "No more stinkin' tests!" but poor Jason gets one each year. He doesn't read this, but I wish my big baby luck on his test!

So, I'm at home with Tyler and my mother in law. I had a heart to heart with my MIL today and I told her that I wouldn't mind one bit living with her and my FIL once we get a house. That idea was tossed around a bit last year, but they thought it would be too burdensome for me and told Jason that they would rather live on their own. I feel like this past month has been somewhat of a trial run and there hasn't been any problems. My in-laws are not ones to scowl or lecture or expect things. They go with the flow. They are seriously two of the kindest people I know and I wouldn't mind living with my in-laws one bit.

Tyler hit the one month mark yesterday! yay! He is more aware of his surroundings and makes eye contact now. He is too cute. It's amazing to see me and Jason in him, my lips, his nose. If having a baby with another person and making one person from two is not the ultimate sign of love, I don't know what is.

I'm so MAD!! I ordered birth announcements from ofoto.com the day I got back from the hospital and they haven't arrived yet!! Tyler is a month old now! How retarded is that?! So annoying....

Yesterday, Jason and I were dressing Tyler when we realized that he didn't fit into his newborn size outfit. It is one of those baby jumpers that have socks attached to it. Anyways, so Jason says, "Let's cut the socks off on the oufit to make it fit." At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but after I got what he was saying, I was like, "Hell no!" How ghetto is that?! Can you imagine Tyler wearing a jumper with the "socks" cut off? How funny is that! It's not like we don't have like 100 other things he could wear! I don't know what Jason is thinking sometimes!

Tyler woke up every hour last night for various reasons. I realize that he is not a very heavy sleeper. He is half sleeping and at the same time, he will move and stretch out his body, waking himself up. It's cute the first couple of times and the rest of the times, Jason and I wish he could talk and tell us what is wrong!

I subscribed to Runners Magazine. The subscription was really cheap and I thought it would motivate me into doing something physical, not that my body could take any sort of running at the moment, jogging, sprinting, or any other leg movements, but I wanted to be completely motivated and ready for when my body could stand such vigorous movements. Well, the first mag came and I am so in awe of the bodies and the people on the pages. They showcased runners that ran 30+ marathons! Can you imagine! Not that I consider myself a "runner," but I love running (I even got in a awesome run overlooking the beautiful Hawaiian coast on our honeymoon while Jason slept !) and I miss doing it. It's been over nine months since I've had a good run and it kind of sucks. For the past nine months, I didn't want to run because I could imagine Tyler's little body being moved up and down and him wondering what the hell was happening and now, I can't because my body is completely whacked after labor and delivery. I am actually jealous of people who are able to work out! So if you are of sound body and mind, go do something physical and think of poor lilttle me and all the others who aren't able to.

I was visiting some girl's xanga site and noticed that this girl had 52 comments for ONE entry! Man, talk about popular! I don't think my readership exceeds more than 20 folks and I would be happy with one comment per entry! Just thought I would share because I was pretty amazed.

To use or not to use a pacifier....that is the question. I guess Koreans aren't too fond of pacifiers because my mother and mother in law both gasped when I put one in Tyler's mouth, but dude, he gets fussy and everyone else and their mothers give it to their children here. Will I be forever ruining him if I give him one? The self doubt, guilt, and confusion of a new parent is very real and living well within me.

Ok, I need to vent and bitch here. I have another pet peeve. When someone tells me the ending of a movie, book, tv show, KOREAN DRAMA without asking me first if I want to know the ending or at least with plenty of warning so I could tune out. Damn! I just got on someone's xanga and this girl totally gave away the ending of Sad Story!! I swear...some people! I clicked out as soon as I could but the damage had had been done because she gave away the ending in one short sentence. Damn! I really liked this Korean drama too..it's a good one and it's been awhile since I really looked forward to watching the next video of a drama. Now, it's pretty much ruined for me and I'm completely bummed.

Now if only I knew this girl, I would give her a piece of my mind! haha..

I have two major pet peeves.

1. I hate it when people smack and make noises with their mouth. I can hardly stand eating next to someone who makes noises while they eat. It is so disgusting! I ate with someone before who chomped on their french onion soup...soup! I actually heard crunching from melted cheese and limp onions! It's gross enough to make one hurl while eating.

2. Another pet peeve of mine: when someone goes to an eating establishment with me and doesn't eat or picks at their food. Come on, if you weren't hungry, just say so, so we don't have to waste our money and just go for coffee instead! Why take me to a restaurant and make me feel like a damn hog while to pick at your own food like a bird? I personally think it is rude. (I hope the person who does this to me doesn't read this! ..haha...you know who you are, you rude ass girl!)

It is 11:20. Hubby and baby fast asleep. I should be sleeping too and resting up for 1:00 crying/feeding/ changing. But sleep escapes me right now. I wish I could put into words how my life has changed in the last three weeks, but I'm not so eloquent with words. Plus, how do you put words to something so mind boggling and so miraculous as seeing your baby, who kicked and played in your tummy for 9 months, fall asleep in your arms? The word love is often mentioned, but it's beyond love. Guess that's why it's hard to put into words. There are no words.

My mother in law has been here since the day Tyler was born and I was looking at her the other day and realized how lucky I am. I've heard some horror stories when it comes to in-laws and I'm lucky that I don't have any to report. I mean, my mil has completely treats me like one of her own children. Since she's been here, she has cooked EVERY meal, done ALL the dishes, done ALL the laundry, has taken care of Tyler (she is actually the first to jump up when he cries). She has even dried my completely naked body with a towel when I couldn't (it's a long, long story.) I feel 100% comfortable around her. I don't want to generalize here, but I think most Korean mothers and fathers in law's mentality is to ask, "What can my daughter in law do for me?" But, my in laws are different. They don't expect anything from me, but for me to just be myself!