Spaz Attack

Thoughts from a big spaz who has lots to spaz about.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

All my students are so unmotivated to learn. As a teacher, it's just sad and disheartening to see half my class has decided not to show up to class and the ones who have freeze up whenever I introduce something half challenging. The students don't want to be here; I could see it in their glazed over eyes and hear it in their grunts and moans when I give them an assignment as easy as the ones that I gave my second graders last year. Granted, I am teaching ESL, but I am speaking of my more advanced classes, which comprise of students who have been here for some many years. (Some were even born here.)

And it's surprisingly easy I have learned in the few weeks I have been here, for a teacher to lose all motivation too. I mean, if the students don't give a damn, why should I? But, I have to keep telling myself that once these kids see in my eyes, in my walk, in my demeanor that I have lost all hope in them, they will know that they have beat me down and won - just like they have done year after year, with every teacher is the past.

I refuse to be one of them.

Friday, September 24, 2004

I am so bummed out. This morning, Jason and I thought that we could fly to LA tonight so I've been looking up ticket prices all day and had visions of Lawrys. Well, Mr. Forgetful just called to let me know that he had forgotten he was on call this weekend. Rats.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I've had a pounding headache for about three days straight. So much fun- these pregnancy symptoms, I tell you. I've tried so hard to stay far away from any medications but when I couldn't sleep last night due to the unbearable pain, I let Tylenol do its work.

I love working. I think I would have gone mad by now had I not found this teaching position. The hours are so chill that I can't believe that I worked non stop, without any breaks, as an elementary teacher. I feel like I have so much time to breathe in between classes. As Tony the Tiger would say, "It's great!"

Jason is coming back tonight. Thank God. The aparment was so cold and lonely without him. Oh, happy happy Wednesday.

Friday, September 17, 2004


I wish I could eat sushi!

I wish I could eat deli meat!

I wish I could eat seafood!

I wish I could dye my hair. My hair is currently multicolored and having roots down to my ears don't look very good.

I wish Jason would finish work early today.

I wish Jason didn't have to go to New York this weekend.

I wish I didn't feel a cold coming on.

I wish I could think of something to eat that is really good for me and the baby.

I wish I knew the sex of the baby so I could go shopping!

I wish I could feel the baby move. (Three more weeks!)]

I have a huge appetite lately, and I wish someone would make me delicious breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

Last night, I had the most painful dream, which caused me to wake up and cry real tears. I dreamt that, for whatever reason, me and two other people had to kill someone that we really cherish and love. He knew that he was going to be killed by the hands of those he trusted and loved the most. Before we were to kill him, I had a conversation with him and it went like this.

"Do you know that we have to kill you?"
He nodded without any words.
"Are you scared?"
He nodded again.
"I'm sorry."
He nodded with his big eyes looking scared.
"Don't worry. They have to kill me tomorrow too so I will be with you tomorrow." He nodded again, looking surprised by what I had said.
"Do you know where we will be together tomrrow?"
Then, he finally said his first words. He said, "We will be in heaven with God."
And I said, "You're right. And, I'm scared too, and it kills me that I will not be with Jason."

With these words said, I fell to the floor by the boy's feet and wept. At this point, I woke up, heaved heavily and cried as I have never cried from a dream. Jason, alarmed, tried his best to console me but I just cried and cried in his arms for a long time.

I've tried to think about what this means and what caused me to have a dream so twisted and painful. I can't think of any reasons.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

So I've worked a total of five days and I'm starting to like teaching high school. There is an incredible amount of prep, or conference times, that high school teachers are given, while elementary teachers are lucky to get five minutes of free time. For example, I am at school a total of seven hours. In that time, I have a daily hour long staff meeting, 2 hours of prep time, and a hour for passing period and lunch, give or take. Now you do the math. I see students about three hours a day. Cool or what?

ESL kids are sooo sweet, mostly because they are timid and shy. The teacher next door, an older white lady, told me that ESL kids are ready to leave the ESL program once they start acting "American."

I love working. Time is passing by much quicker and I feel like I have some sort of purpose in my life. At this moment, my purpose is to teach students who have arrived to this country less than one year how to read and write. I actually love teaching this. I feel like phonics is the basic building block to any good education. You might not remember who taught you how to read, but you better thank your lucky stars someone taught you!

Congratulations to Misun on her new baby girl, Kayla Jang! I can't wait to see her!

Friday, September 10, 2004

How foolish am I? When we were packing for Oregon, I went on a rampage and threw out all shoes and clothes that were slightly worn looking. Stupid me thought that I would purchase all new things when I got here. Now, I only have one good pair of teaching shoes and no t-shirts. I want my stuff back!

Our apartment is such a mess right now, like Hurricane Ivan visited Oregon, that I knew the maintenance man came in yesterday to to clear up the clogged drain and I couldn't even look at him in the eye on the elevator.

I got a high school postition teaching ESL. Heard about it last Wednesday, interviewed on Thursday, got the position on Friday, went in on Tuesday to clean up, and school started on Wednesday. Whew...what a whirlwind. I haven't the slightest idea about specifically teaching ESL or kids over the age of 8.

I already miss elementary. I love younger kids. They are so easy to mold and, most importantly, bribe. High school kids come in with so much baggage and other worries...they worry if they look good, if they come across cool. The last thing on their mind is learning. Well, it's like that at the high school I'm teaching at.

I've already been comparing some stuff from my high school experience and it is sooo different. Whitney is sooo different from other high schools in America. Even at Roosevelt's (that's where I'm teaching) student orientation, I was saddened. Dude, at Whitney, new student orientation rocked! We chanted, sang songs, cheered, got into group, received little prizes... I mean, it was actually exciting! At Roosevelt, the students were herded into a small room looking like zoombies...yeah, welcome to Roosevelt.

Anyways, I've been craving sushi like mad. Too bad that pregnant women are not suppose to eat raw fish. I'm dreaming of sushi... And I really miss Isobune for some reason, a little sushi place on College at Berkeley. They had some great stuff.

There are two things I love to say. (Most of you know this!) #1. I love saying, "I hate my life" when things aren't going right. If you know me, you know that I'm totally joking, but it's interesting to see how others who don't know me reacts to my statement. Once, I was at the dentist's office. I came in a little late and the receptionist told me that I would not be able to see the dentist that day. I hung my head down looking most despondent and said the magic words, "I hate my life" and sure enough, she looked at me and told me that she would see what she could do. I later saw the dentist.

Other thing that I love to say when people don't do the things that I want them to do is, "You hate me." It's totally said in jest and I'm totally kidding. For example, I tell Jason that I want him to buy me a $800 purse. When he looks at me like I'm crazy, I look at him and say, "You hate me." Call me crazy but it's sooo funny to me!

Well, anyways, I should be off to work now to work with my ESL kids (yipee!)!

Hope you have a great Friday. Jason left for Seattle yesterday and won't be back until Saturday night. Bummer. See, I told you he hates me! haha.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Hello. hello! Well, in less than 24 hours of my last blog, I will be writing the mother of all my blogs. (well, in my eyes, at least.) Ok, take a deep breathe. You ok? Ready to hear the news?

Well, for those of you who was not able to put two and two together (from the previous hints on post blogs)...I am pregnant!!!! AHHHH!!! (Everyone put your hands to your face like Culkin in Home Alone.) I just had my second doctor's appointment yesterday and everything seems to be hunky dory. The doctor said that the heart beat was a very high 160 bpm and gave me an "A+ on my health." I am about 11 weeks along and the baby is due late March. I know, everything happened so quickly...definitely a honeymoon baby!

The first doctor's appointment was more eventful because we had an ultrasound and was able to see the baby in the uterus. At first the doctor and Jason cooed, but I couldn't see the baby! Then, the doctor turned off the lights and showed me all the parts. I was sooo excited to see that I was having a little....peanut! (For those of you who have never seen an ultrasound, I swear the baby looks like a honey roasted Planter's peanut!)

Jason is sooo excited beyond words. Though he doesn't say so much in direct words, I know that he wants a boy. Well, actually, maybe "Don't call it a she!" is pretty direct. haha... I keep reminding him that he is the one that gives me the X or the Y chromosome so it was up to his little workers. I don't really care about the sex; I just want a healthy, happy baby...though the pressure would definitely be off about the sex of any other future children if I had a boy first. Gosh, the extra pressures of being Asian and having to produce an heir to the throne.

First trimester pretty much sucked the big one but I am thankful that I am feeling a little better day by day by day. I am lucky that I didn't have to work during the worst of it. I don't know how people work and take care of other children while they are going through their first trimester. I can't even imagine...

Actually, other than the doctor saying so and all the nasty symptoms that made me feel like death was on its way, I don't feel pregnant at all. I don't see a bigger bump than I get after a large meal. I don't feel any jabs or kicks yet. But, I can't wait...