Spaz Attack

Thoughts from a big spaz who has lots to spaz about.

Sunday, August 31, 2003

Diarrhea of the mind:

-Had a blast in Vegas with Jen & Weikuo! Won a whoopin' zero dollars. Ya..hoo!

-I'm in my new home. Earlier today, I completely forgot that I had moved and asked Weikuo if he was going home (to his old one) Duh...

-I'm trying to unpack and get settled in. I am thrilled to have internet access, though it is slower than slow. I'm not's free!

-Tomorrow, I'll be going into school to get ready and Tuesday is show time!

-Wanted to say congrats to my girlfriend, Jenny, and Charlie on their recent engagement!! I’m so happy for you guys! Much love….

-I'm feeling like I'm going through a break up- with Jen. I know that we will "remain friends." I know that I will still see her. But, things will never be the same.

Through the years, Jen has been my stable rock in the midst of my spastic-ness. She has been my sounding board, a shoulder for everything and anything, a person to laugh my ass off with, my running partner, my partner in crime (stealing DC food!) and so much more. She has put up with my craziness, my taking her shampoo, food, socks, etc. All with a smile and giggle.

I'm sad. :(

Monday, August 25, 2003

I just watched Spirit Away and all I can say is, "Wow. What an amazing movie." It was perfect for me right now. You know when you watch a movie and it is amazing at that moment in time because of what you are going through in your own life? It is about this girl who is in this unknown place and has to face all these astonishing creatures and circumstances. She is scared, but she faces everything to the best of her ability and at the end it all works out. There was so much more to it: her strong desire to see her parents again, the love she felt for her friend, the kindness that she showed to all, her amazing boldness, etc. It is visual stunning and I feel like I just woke up from a wonderful dream.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Had a good cry earlier this afternoon and felt much better (again). Jason thinks it would be best for me to move in with my mom. Get used to the commute. Save some money. Be a big girl and tough it out for less than a year. His voice of confidence always makes me think that everything will be fine. I love that about him.

BTW, I want to watch the Freddy/ Jason movie (but *some* people are too chicken!)! Anyone down?

Hello. Hello. After some ice cream and spending most of yesterday with Jen and Vinh, I felt much much better. See, Jen has this way of calming me just when I think I am about to lose it big time. So I was the third wheel and I tagged along on the romantic dinner they had planned. haha. Seafood could I resist? (Thanks Vinh!)

My moving/living situation is up in the air. Now, I am thinking of getting my own place in K-Town. In the mean time, I am in limbo and all my stuff is everywhere: my mom's place, Jason's place, here. I know that Weikuo is itching to get his stuff into this room ASAP so I better clean it out by tonight or I think I will feel the wrath of this tall man (with a deep voice)!

Saturday, August 23, 2003

I am in the pissiest mood of all time.

I am annoyed that my mom always calls me up, without any warning, and tells me that I have to meet up with her THAT day. Can you tell me at least one day in advance?

I am annoyed that all my crap is scattered about everywhere and I can't get dressed properly.

I am annoyed at my future living situation.

I am annoyed that I've been stuffing my face for no good reason.

I can't think straight. I have no answers. And the worst part is I don't know what steps to take to make things better. I feel lost.

Friday, August 22, 2003

I am so through with subbing. It's been two weeks now and just about the same time that a girl broke down and wailed because I didn't let the class play heads up seven up, I'd had it. Subbing is wierd. In the back of your mind, you always know that you are not their regular teacher, that you might or might not ever see these kids again, that it all just about doesn't matter. And you act as such.

I'm glad that I had the experience. I had some great classes. Not so great classes. And classes straight from hell.

I am really excited about my new class and I hope I won't be as lax or nice with my own bunch. At least, not until February. That is when I hope to show them that I am indeed an actual human being. Until then, I just want to be a kick ass teacher.

I'm sorry about all the teacher talk lately. Not much else is going on.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Another day of subbing. What I really should say is another day of spying. That is what it feels like! I think it should be mandatory for all prospective teachers to sub for about a month at least. I am really learning more than I ever did reading any teacher preparation textbooks. I feel like I am in the real trenches.

Tomorrow and Friday, I will be subbing a special education class. I have no idea what to expect. Someone told me over lunch today that he had to change diapers when he subbed a special education class. yeah. I am hoping that it won't be that bad, but I am a little concerned that the office manager felt the need to repeat over and over, "They are really sweet, sweet kids" to me. Hmm. I am sure it will be a great learning experience. Wish me luck...

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I just ran into my next door neighbor and he told me that he called Child Protective Services on the family next door. Remember the one where the mom is always yelling at her kids? He called because of her constant verbal and physical abuse on her two children. He said that thought and thought about it for a long time before he made the call. He asked himself: Should he get involved? Would he be causing more harm than good for the child? He knew that his one phone call could turn that family structure upside down. But, at the end, his conscious told him that he had to.

I totally understand. Last year, I had to make the same call and it was a hard call to make. I was raised to look the other way. I was taught, indirectly, not to butt into other family's squabbles. However, I just couldn't look the other way and pretend I didn't know. I knew.

There is one thing that angers me more than anything: An full grown adult being mean to a child. I can't stand it in any shape or form. I can take an adult being cruel to another adult. Although that is still wrong, at least that other adult could fight back and voice himself. But a child, really has no voice. His size and place is society tells him to listen to that adult who he perceives as being all knowing. He then takes that pain and internalizes it somehow. Usually, he ends up blaming himself.

Just because someone is an adult or is older than you does not make that person wiser. Or right all the time. I wish all kids knew this.

Hi y'all. I subbed again today. (And will again tomorrow.) It's all good. I am making some extra money and I can put off moving yet another day.

Did I tell you how much I hate moving?
Well, I do.

(That was for Susan. We love to say those lines from the movie, Indecent Proposal. Except you need to change the line " I hate moving" to "I love you." well, duh...)

Monday, August 18, 2003

Hey everyone! Whatsuppers?! (Dude, is that the most annoying greeting or what?!) I went into my classroom this morning to clean up and start getting ready for the new school year. I am very excited. I think that, every year, it gets easier and easier. Teaching, that is. I hope I get well mannered kids that I could shape and mold like a green Gumby doll. (j/k)

I am currently in the process of moving out and it sucks. I rather do anything than move. Go to the dentist. Have paintballs shot at my body. Whatever. I just hate moving. I wish I was rich enough so I could pay someone to do all of it. And it is not like I have all that much stuff. I am not married. I don't have kids. I mean, it could be much worse. But, I hate walking up and down the stairs with a armload of crap. I can't carry too much at once so it's up and down, up and down, and more up and down. I feel like a weak robot on autopilot.

All this moving is also sheding some light on my spending habits. While packing, I am confronted with junk that I purchased that I wish I did not. I am hoping that, for the next two years, I go on some sort of diet. Not an eating diet (though that is in order too), but a spending one. I need to cut out the things that I don't need and only allow myself to buy the bare necessities to survive. Yeah, yeah...Good luck..I know.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I'm so out of it. I woke up this morning and I frantically started getting ready for school. Then, I realized that today is Sunday and school is not for another two weeks. Go figure. Now I *know* it's time to get back to school. I'm feeling that urge to work again, to get up on a consistent time everyday, to have some damn meaning. Going to the mall, buying things I don't need for a momentary high, and then returning frivolous items I truly don't need is becoming a really old, lame past time. I am ready to work again.

My neighbor is, at the moment, is playing her music loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. It's classical love songs played by some mariachi band. Go figure. It's sounds a little odd hearing "I Did It My Way" played in this style, and I just want her to turn it off. I hate it when people subject others to noise pollution.

I went to Baskin Robbins this morning and got my favorite- Espresso and Chip. It is so good. It is low fat so it doesn't have that heavy cream taste. It has a touch of coffee, a touch of vanilla, and bits of chocolate chip. Yum. Anyways, I have a ritual when I go to BR. I walk in and I always look around and I act like I am trying to decide on a flavor. In the back of my mind, I already know what I want- the Espresso and Chip, but I always ask to try one other flavor. And then, almost immediately, I ask for a single scoop of my favorite in a cup, with a suger cone on top. Ok. Not entirely not too odd. However, I don't do this to taste the other flavor. I do this because I want the small trial size spoon. I just like to eat my ice cream with it. I feel like I get more bites with it and I like the feeling of the smaller spoon in my mouth. I guess I could just ask for the smaller spoon, but wouldn't that be odd request? I don't know...Just thought I would share.

Yesterday night I went to a collegue's house for her daughter's first birthday. It was great hanging out with other teachers I haven't seen all summer and to catch up on what they did. All I could say is, "Um...Chicago for a couple of days, and um...My sister's wedding!" Lame. The only down side was driving all the way to Ontario and having the smell of cow shit all around. But other than that, it was great!

I've been eating so well lately. Like every night. A new restaurant. It's to the point that I am feeling guilty about it. It's not too much the eating part of it. Just everything thing else that goes with eating out everyday. I gotta stop. Not the eating! Going out.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Subbed yesterday and today. Will sub the remainder of the week.

I feel like I am in someone else's home spying for a week. I get to see the teacher's decor, her teaching style, her kids, her procedures. I get to see what I like and what I don't.

I become more confidant in myself and start to think, I could work with any kids!

Subbing is so ideal. I get paid. I don't have to make any lesson plans. I don't have to make any copies ahead of time. Practically, all I do is show up and follow the instructions like a monkey.

That is why I am so good at it.

Saturday, August 09, 2003

I had one of the weirdest (or morbid) thoughts this morning. Filled with guilt about leaving Thumper at home by herself most of the day yesterday, I thought: Do animals ever contemplate suicide? Does it just get so hard out there in the wild or where ever, so stressful, that some poor animal sees no hope and takes his own life? I just wonder if that happens.

Hmm, time to lay off from the heavy drinking. It's always trouble when I hang out with Jenny and crew. haha.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Disclaimer on previous post: It's not about Jason! Just life in general.

Have you ever thought that there is no turning back? No need for talks or discussions about it. What's done is done. And It's Done. It won’t be the same.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Just Wrong.

I went to the strangest class last Saturday. I read the schedule wrong so I thought I was going to a low impact class but it ended up being a dance fitness class. “Ok,” I thought, “this should be interesting.” I decided to stay and give it a try. You know, I’m always down for something new. The instructor then tells us that this class will be different than any other class we have ever taken before and that she wants us to have an open mind and not give up. Ok, I could do that.

Then the music starts. Think techno, trance, rave music. Then the instructor proceeds to sit on her mat and move her arms around like a snake. The rest of the class follows her. I am resisting my urge to laugh. She says in a whisper, like she is a flower child from the ‘70’s “Be free. Don’t have any constraints. No one is watching you.” (Um, what about those people staring at us from the large glass window wondering what the hell on earth we are doing?)

So, then she gets on all fours and does the same sort of moments with her legs, first left, then right. She moves her pelvis up and down. It is so sensual. I think she is probably some stripper at night. The rest of the class, which includes a 80 year old grandpa, a 300 pound women, and other characters, continue to follow.

Then, we are told to put away our mats. We are on our legs now and I think, “Thank God. Let the dancing part of this dance fitness class to begin.” The instructor tells us to make a circle and we jump, leap, and run around the room, flailing our arms around up in the air. I am reminded of the Salem Witch Trials and wonder if it looked anything like this. For a second, I expect the hidden cameras to come out at any minute. They don’t. But what does come out are some purple, red, blue shear shawls from the front of the room. Ladies in the class go up one at a time to the front and pick up a shawl and run around the room holding them up in the air, circling round and round like they are some Middle Easter belly dancers.

After the circling is over, the instructor runs to the front of the class and plays some pop songs. Eminem, Prince (Pink Cadillac…what a great song), and other really awesome songs. Think hip hop. Now, it is a free for all and we are told to do whatever we want. The music is pumping and if I was at a club on a Saturday night, high off something, I would be digging it big time. However, it is Saturday morning, I am in my spandex, my hair pulled back, and something just ain’t right.

I look at the 300 pound women. She looks like she is having the time of her life.
I look at the people staring into the room, waiting for their step class to start.
I look at myself in the mirror and wonder what my life has become.

Two Measly Thoughts on Working Out:

1. It is very counterintuitive. I work out thinking that I am burning off the massive amounts of calories I consume in a day. However, after I am done, I am so hungry that I eat all that I just worked off. What is the point? I should just not work out and not eat! Save some damn time and money!

2. I like taking group classes. In the beginning, it is hard to follow all the moves and you feel like an idiot trying to just keep up and not look so much like a freakin’ beginner. However, once you got it down, it’s all good in the hood. If you live in the Palms Area, you should check out any of the classes taught by Rochelle at the Bally Total Fitness on Overland. Man, she works, I mean works, the class. I love the way she yells at the class. She actually tells people to get off if they can’t handle it. Her anger motivates me to keep my large ghetto ass booty moving. I am such a masochist.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Hey, have you seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Dude, you gots to check it out. It is one of my favorite shows at the moment. I wish every guy would watch it and learn, baby, learn!

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Michelle's wedding on Saturday was absolutely beautiful. I've known Michelle (She will always be Kyung Hee to me.) since I was about four years old. There were a group of five moms, including mine, who became friends when we all lived in Koreatown back in the day. I’m not sure how they all met, possibly because their oldest child was in the same kindergarten class. I remember the moms sitting and talking in someone’s apartment for hours while all the children played together. I didn’t know what they were talking about at the time, but I suspect they talked about their days in Korea, how they would make this month’s rent, how they should style their hair next, how to make a certain ban chan.

Those were the days. We swam in the apartment pool (even all the adults got in on hot summer nights). We went trick or tricking until our pillowcases filled up and Claudia and I got so much candy my dad had to hide it from us. We all chased the ice cream truck when we heard the loud music box in the distance. We walked to and from school together everyday. We played Chinese jump rope and Memory. We reenacted the Miss. Korean Pageant which was judged by “Number 9 oh pah” (Yes, the older boy that lived in Apartment Number 9, who I heard in later years tragically became heavily involved with drugs after his parents won millions in the California State Lottery.) Anyways, my sister always used to win the title of Ms. Korea.

Then we all slowly, one family at a time, moved away and out of Los Angeles and started moving into the suburbs.

Sometime when I was in sixth grade, we all started meeting again, about every other month. All the families would travel from house to house, from the Granada Hills to Hacienda Heights to Cerritos and to other places. It was great to see everyone after so long. There was Rachel, Jenny, and Susan. Kyung Hee, Kyung Jin, and Peter. James, and John. Chong Min, and Daniella. Claudia, me, and Richard. Five Families.

Now, we are all grown up and getting married. Claudia first. The very next weekend, it was Kyung Hee’s wedding. In two months will be Chong Min’s wedding.

Everyone has changed and, then again, they haven’t. Everyone kept commenting this Saturday how I haven’t changed one bit since I was younger. Good thing? Bad thing? Given the fact that I was called yuhwool (a fox) by everyone, I’m not sure.

I took a picture of the five mothers standing together at the wedding. Their faces are wrinkled and show the years that I have passed. And they hold each other like they have done over the years.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Going to a childhood friend's wedding tomorrow night. I am very excited! Susan is right...."Weddings. It's starting."