June 16, 2014. I haven't written in here in so long that the format on which to type this note looks different.
So what has been going on? For starters, and the biggest news of all, is that we are moving back to OC. So exciting, everyone says. Aren't you so excited to be going back home?
Home? This is home. We've been here for three years. In that time, I have learned this area. I have gotten used to this area. I've called this area home.
So you would think that I would be jumping up and down to be going back to OC, but I'm not. Instead, I feel apprehension. I feel anxious. I ask myself if we've made the right decision. Is this move the best for Tyler and Chase? Is this the best for me and Jason?
I will miss it here. I will miss the people we have met here. I will miss our friends. All these people I have gotten to know, thinking I would be here for at least 20 years. With that in my mind, I have laughed with, share my thoughts with, broken bread with my new friends here.
I think I'm suppose to be happy to move back and be closer to everything I thought I would miss when I move up here. Strange how life is. Now, I feel like I belong here and I will miss everything here.
Tyler just finished 4th grade. It's amazing to think that I only have eight years with my first son until he goes off to college. I'm anticipating so many changes from now until that day. The growth- physical and mental- will be shocking, I'm thinking. He is still my baby. He loves to be hugged. He loves to be told I love him. He still loves to be babied. But, one day, he will be independent and become this mature man that I envision he will be one day. Of course, being a mom, all of this comes with fears. As a mom, I just want to protect him from everything: from pain, from rejection, from humiliation. If I could have a wish, I would dream that Tyler would live a life of complete and utter happiness each and every day. But, at the same time, I know that is not the definition of a life. A life is full of roller coasters, of highs and lows, of mountains and valleys, and of happiness and sadness. I hope in these times, he will turn to God for guidance and strength. I hope he will remember that his mommy loves him more than anything and am so proud to call him my son.
Chase just finished 1st grade. What is there to write about my Chasey? He is the cutest child I have ever met. Best personality. Best attitude. He gives the best hugs, and I love kissing and biting his cheeks. He is loved beyond words. His little face can make my heart sing and warm my soul like no other. I told him the other day that he was the apple of my eye. He said, "well, that's fine but I'm sure it will be slimy in your eye." I love the faces his makes when he is talking. I love his no-nonsense voice he does when he states a fact or is trying to sound smart. I love how he has the ability to calm even the most anxious of nerves with his smile and his words. I love his independent spirit. Chase, always know you are loved. You are my little angel.
I could write pages and pages and fill all the books in the world of my love for my boys. My heart feels like it is bursting just writing about them. If I ever doubt that there is a God, I will always look at my angels and know that God is real. Otherwise, where does this absolute feeling of love come from? I love watching them grow up. I am in awe of every phase I am honored to be see them take as they grow.