Random thoughts late at night:

1. i usually write in here when the sun is out so this is a little weird.

2. i'm feeling a little guilty right now for being the world's worst mom. i won't get into why here. just know that the title is very fitting and i'm embarrassed. sometimes i wonder if i am deserving of these beautiful wonderful creatures in my life. tonight, the mixture of being mad at myself and loving them so much makes my heart hurt. i wrote a note to chase right now on a post it that read, "dear chase, i love you so much. i love you so much that it makes my heart tingle. you are my sweetheart. love, mommy." i posted it on the bathroom mirror so he could see it tomorrow morning. i love this 4-5 year old stage. chase is full of wonder and growing up so fast. but, at the same time, he is my baby, with his contagious laugh and fat cheeks that makes you want to bite them (which i do often). i love the way he chews his food, the way he strings his words when he talks, the way he negotiates with me when he wants my phone, the way he runs back into my arms when i pick him up after school, the way he walks into his kindergarten class with so much confidence, the way he still wants to come into our beds at nights, the way he writes and illustrates a new book every day after school and exclaims that he is going to write a book and publish it for everyone in his class, the way he writes his stories with amazing new characters and story lines that could only come from a child's imagination.

chase, you asked me today when i picked you up from school why i always scream when i see pick you up. and i told you while you ran into my arms, "because i'm so happy to see you. i've waited all day long to see you and i'm so happy right now."

chase, just like i wrote on my post it. you are my sweetheart.

just like i prayed to god tonight, while you held your hands together and listened, thank you for my chasey.

just like i am sure you want to make me and daddy proud. do you know parents feel exactly the same way? i want to make you proud too.

i love you. i love being on this journey called life with you. you have brought me immeasurable joy, and i love, love, love being your mommy.