Spaz Attack

Thoughts from a big spaz who has lots to spaz about.

Friday, August 11, 2006

I got summoned for jury duty for the first time today. It was a pretty interesting case. A convicted felon was arrested and charged with being in posession of a firearm. I might have even wanted to sit in the juror box just to see what it's like to be a juror. But then I would think of wasting "5-10 days" of my life in a nasty courthouse and away from Tyler, and thought made me quiver. So, basically, I did everything to get out of it when the lawyers and judge asked me questions and did my best to show bias towards the defendent. It worked and I made it out.

I found this online and it pretty much summed up my day for you.

AVOIDING JURY DUTY
Many jurors exit the trial process with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside that they've performed their civic duty and participated in the judicial process that makes America great. Whether this is true or not, it's what the courts would have us believe. Let me make a confession to you: I feel no pride or sense of accomplishment for my two stints on a jury - only embarrassment at having my time stolen from me with no compensation given. I feel like a world-class sucker. If "performing your civic duty" turns you on, then by all means don't let me stop you. But see how far being a conscientious citizen gets you when they come to repossess your car or evict you from your apartment.
I've decided I'm never going to serve on another jury for the rest of my life, or at least until they start paying a reasonable wage. I'm serious about this. Now, I don't recommend ignoring the inital jury summons - although you might get away with it, the courts are beginning to use strong-arm tactics to force compliance. In Los Angeles, for example, violators can now be slapped with a $1500 fine, and although enforcement is reportedly spotty, it's probably not worth the risk of giving The Man ammunition to use against you. But it's the height of stupidity (or is it arrogance?) for them to think they can force someone to conscientiously serve on a jury who doesn't want to. During the voir dire (which is simply pretentious lawyerspeak for the period when the judge and lawyers question prospective jurors to determine their suitability), any of the following statements is almost sure to get your rear end booted from the jury panel. If in doubt, use more than one.

1. Tell them if either counsel makes a motion to limit or restrict certain evidence from being presented during the trial, you'll have a hard time maintaining your objectivity. Such a move will be interpreted by you as an attempt to hide the truth, and you'll be inclined to decide against the party making the motion. Since the lawyers for both sides are not really interested in determining the truth at all (not that anyone's surprised by this), but instead are trying to manipulate the jury's perception of what the truth is, such a statement is sure to drive them batty.

2. Tell them that if the law which was allegedly violated doesn't seem just to you, your conscience won't allow a guilty verdict even if the evidence proves it. Of course, this one only works in certain situations, but the judge and the prosecutor will more than likely team up to bodily heave you out the door.

3. Tell them you believe the mere fact the case has been brought to trial indicates there is sufficient evidence against the defendant to prove him or her guilty. Watch the counsel for the defense turn red and emit steam from his ears.

4. Tell them you believe the prosecution will stop at nothing to get a conviction, even if they knowingly condemn an innocent person. Cite all the death-row inmates who were later proven innocent by DNA evidence.

There are, of course, more options than just these, but you get the idea. I should caution you that it requires a bit of resolve to make such statements when you're in the hotseat. Often, the judge and lawyers will phrase their questions in the manner of "Do you possess the intelligence to decide fairly in such-and-such situation, or are you a complete idiot?" And in order to get off the panel, you'll have to boldly answer, "I, sir, am a complete idiot." This is something which is actually not easily done, particularly in front of a roomful of strangers. Also, you're bound to feel twinges of guilt when the other prospective jurors are answering questions honestly, and not trying to duck jury duty. But remind yourself that if you get stuck on a jury, hours and hours of your time will be carelessly squandered waiting around in the halls for no justifiable reason, and the only compensation they'll feel you're worth is a pittance somewhere south of the wages of a migrant farm worker. Envisioning this as your immediate future will help you to steel your nerve. Also, remember that a lot of those "conscientious" people will give helpful answers up front, but later squirm out of jury duty by consulting with the judge in private. Trust me, on the case I just finished, person after person who'd been selected for the jury "mysteriously" disappeared the next day and we learned they'd been excused in private. On that same case, one woman employed option 3 above during the questioning, while another used option 4. Both were excused. So it's your choice: feel embarrassed before a roomful of people whom you will never see again, or spend the following days/weeks/months being jerked around at the whim of the judge and trial lawyers.

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